slippery simian named primate of interest
A weekend crime spree has left local residents shocked, anxious, and at imminent risk of potassium deficiency. Authorities are asking any and all witnesses to come forward with information regarding the whereabouts of this monkey. While a warrant has not yet been issued for her arrest, several county news outlets have received official confirmation that the individual going by the moniker Maya is the prime primate of interest in an ongoing investigation.
Saturday, February 4, neighbors reported a disturbance in the typically quiet suburb; their statements were later taken by the county sheriff's department. According to a source close to the investigation, these detailed a morning altercation between a woman, her dog, and the suspect in question. The former two, along with a third party, had been celebrating the fifth anniversary of the canine's adoption when CCTV captured this disturbing image of the frightening fracas.
The situation escalated to riotous proportions before the monkey fled the scene. The following morning, at the same residence, the Fire Stick remote was discovered flailing in a hot-water laundry wash, and the banana bowl had been completely depleted of its contents. Both offenses, as well as the previous assault, are believed to be the work of a lone perpetrator. The Rinse Cycle Revenge--as many are now calling it--is being pursued as an active threat against the family, while the brazen daylight fruit heist may indicate that the community has, at large, a very hungry monkey. Police are advising vigilance in the wake of these developments.
Officer Parrish of the WCPD stated, "The primate calling herself Maya is armed with industrial-strength rope, and she won't hesitate to use it. She is quick, agile, and possibly affiliated with a gang notorious for their deft pickpocketing skills. I urge everyone to stay indoors, keep all small electronics under lock and key, and maintain a steady supply of vitamin supplements until this crisis is over."
Some citizens believe law enforcement has overreacted, among them public defense attorney, Lydia Wimoweh. "What we have here is obviously a misunderstanding and a flagrant example of police profiling. Monkeys are playful and mischievous by their nature. I am certain, if Maya is arrested and prosecuted, she will ultimately be exonerated. As for potential charges, ridiculous. In addition to felony assault, criminal threats, and the attempted homicide of streaming entertainment, I've even heard murmurs of grand theft banana. Believe me, if I'm assigned to Maya's case and she is unjustly sentenced, we will most assuredly appeal."
In a surprise turn, the victims have rallied behind Wimoweh, pleading with both the public and the justice system to demonstrate compassion, forgiveness, and leniency toward the misguided mammal. In their police statement, they are noted to have said, "It was a party. Things may have gotten out of control. We don't believe the monkey meant any real harm."
At this time, the bystander who had nearly drowned--identified only as J. Doe--remains comatose in St. Joseph's intensive care unit. The attending physician expressed reluctance to offer a prognosis until neural conductivity tests are performed. Thanks to an innovative psychotherapy treatment pairing enthusiastic parental support with freshly roasted chicken, the bushy-tailed youth involved in Saturday's melee, however, is reported to be heading for a full recovery. At an afternoon press conference, the child's mother, J.B. Fitzgerald, said, "We couldn't be happier with the progress she's made since the incident." Hardly a dry eye remained in the crowd when the grateful woman wiped tears from her cheeks, choking out one final heartfelt sentiment. “She’s beautiful. Our little girl…to see her peering up at us with such hope and adoration again…she’s just beautiful.”
Get to know Maisie better in the memoir, Moonlight of the Talking Dog.